You’re still panting, sweating, and naked between the sheets when something (confidence? insecurity?) makes you ask how the sex was for her. Bold move. If she shrugs or gives the ego-obliterating answer of ‘fine,’ you’re gonna carry that with you the next time your clothes come off. But that doesn’t have to be the case.
Here’s the thing: No one likes mediocre sex, but so few people are willing to put in the extra effort to have better sex. And that’s all you need to do to turn this awkard situation around.
Because you don’t want to be ‘fine’ in bed. You don’t want to be good in bed either. You want to be extraordinary. You want to be the guy she never forgets. The guy who did the things she rarely, if ever, experiences. The guy who made her body feel electric.
Here are 9 ways to be that guy.
1. Make consent sexy
Consent is getting a lot more media attention these days, which is great. It’s an extremely important topic, especially when you’re with new partners. It’s always crucial to make sure any new woman you’re with is enthusiastically consenting to anything and everything the two of you do between the sheets. That doesn’t mean you need her to sign off on dotted line or be super clinical about it. That’s where most men go wrong. You don’t realize asking for consent can actually be incredibly sexy. As things are progressing, touch an item of her clothing and ask her, ‘Can I take this off?’ Then touch part of her body, like her collarbone, with one fingertip, and ask, “Can I kiss you here?” Make each little step tantalizingly teasing.
2. Take your time
Asking for consent is just one of the many ways you can draw out the experience. I highly recommend you also look for other ways to tease her.
Look, I get it, having sex is fun, and sometimes you just want to get right to it. But most men forget women love to be teased and need some time to warm up. A lot of my female clients tell me teasing is actually their favorite part. So take your time with her. Take her clothes off slowly. Spend plenty of time making out with her. Dip down below the waist, then come back up. You want her to be begging for more at each step, until the point that she can’t take it any longer.
3. Get her off first
If you’re selfish in bed, forget it. It’s a major turn-off. Women don’t want to be with a man who thinks only of himself during sex. If you want her to remember you—and if you want the chance for a repeat performance—you can bowl her over by putting her first for a change.
Keep in mind that the vast majority of women can’t orgasm from penetration alone (more on this in the next tip), so you’re much more likely to make her orgasm using your hands or mouth. Spend plenty of time fingering her, going down on her, using a toy on her, or all of the above. Don’t pressure her to orgasm. Just let her know you want to satisfy her above everything else.
4. Ask her to touch herself
Another way to prioritize her pleasure is to ask her to touch herself in front of you. This is an extremely erotic act, since most women have only ever masturbated in private. You’ll turn up the intensity for her, and you’ll learn a thing or two about how she likes to be touched. Pay careful attention to the number of fingers she uses (or how she handles a vibrator), the specific way she touches herself, and how she reacts when she’s feeling pleasure.
5. Focus on dual stimulation
As I mentioned, most women can’t orgasm from penetration alone. They need clitoral stimulation. Unfortunately, most men tend to focus on penetration, forgetting about the clitoris entirely. You can blow her mind by finding ways to add clitoral stimulation to whatever else you’re doing. While you’re having sex, gently rub circles across her clitoris with one of your fingers, or use a small vibrator on her. When you’re fingering her, use one hand on her clitoris, and one hand internally. Or when you’re going down on her, use your mouth on her clitoris, and let your hand explore her vaginal canal.
6. Use lube
In my opinion, lube is criminally underrated. Most people only turn to lube if the female partner is having difficulty staying wet. But lube can be so much fun to use in any situation. Use it as a massage oil during foreplay. Use it while fingering her, and you’ll amplify the sensations. Add some to a condom for more sensation for you (just make sure your condom and lube are compatible with each other). Use it during intercourse for even more slippery fun. It’ll also help you settle into more complicated positions.
7. Switch up your usual routine
Most people progress through sex in the same routine: kissing, a few minutes of groping, then straight to intercourse. This gets old really fast. Instead, surprise her by moving back and forth between different acts. Start having intercourse, then go back to fingering her. Go back to intercourse, then ask her to go down on you. Swapping back and forth keeps her on her toes. Plus, there’s the added bonus of giving yourself a break if you get too close to orgasm.
8. Get more creative with positions
Be honest. You have your favorite two or three positions that you tend to fall back on, don’t you? Most of us do, and that’s fine. But changing positions is such a fast and easy way to add more excitement. You have no excuse. We have you covered with tons of ideas for adventurous sex, raunchy positions, as well as optimized ones for small-ish penises and guys who are well-endowed.
9. Venture backdoor
Want to really take things to the next level? Incorporate some anal play into your repertoire. The anus is surrounded by sensitive nerve endings, and the taboo of anal play makes the experience itself much more exhilarating. One of the best places to start is during intercourse. Have her get on all fours, penetrate her, then gently place a fingertip against the outside of her anus. Make sure to use a bit of lube. Even a slight amount of pressure can send shivers down her spine, especially when paired with a position as intense as doggystyle.
Vanessa Marin is a sex therapist. Check out her online orgasm course, Finishing School.