The big horror movie remake boom of the early 2000s? Whew, what a time! Classics like House on Haunted Hill, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and House of Wax all got the remake treatment, with varying levels of success at the box office.
Director Steve Beck (of Ghost Ship fame), along with writers Neal Marshall Stevens and Richard D’Ovidio, put their own spin on William Castle’s 1960 film 13 Ghosts. It didn’t exactly set the box office on fire back in October 2001, but Thirteen Ghosts has since cultivated a dedicated cult following, with many appreciating the lineup of titular spirits and its high-quality production design.
Thirteen Ghosts kicks off with wealthy ghost hunter Cyrus Kriticos (played by F. Murray Abraham) and psychic Dennis Rafkin (Matthew Lillard, always a gem) on the hunt for a violent ghost in a junkyard. We’re immediately thrown into the chaos with a semi-truck spraying blood to lure the ghost out, resulting in a massacre that seemingly takes Cyrus and a bunch of his employees with it. Talk about an opening!
Enter Arthur Kriticos (Tony Shalhoub), Cyrus’s estranged nephew, who is struggling financially as a widower and single father. Arthur learns that his uncle has passed and left him an entire mansion. Suddenly, things are looking up! His two kids, Kathy (Shannon Elizabeth) and Bobby (Alec Roberts), are totally on board. Along with their live-in nanny Maggie (Rah Digga), who they can somehow afford even though they’re already struggling, the family heads out to their new (maybe) home, accompanied by Cyrus’s smarmy lawyer, Ben Moss (J.R. Bourne).
Upon arriving at the completely glass, Hellraiser-esque puzzle house, Dennis weasels his way in, pretending to be an electrician. While the Kriticos crew is busy wandering around the mansion in awe, he discovers Cyrus’ collection of captured spirits down in the basement. Each one is held in its own glass cell, inscribed with Latin containment spells to keep them trapped. But, of course, the clueless lawyer unknowingly activates the giant machine (aka the house), releasing them one by one. You know, as lawyers are wont to do.
Let’s be real, the best part about Thirteen Ghosts is absolutely the ghosts. But designing a glass mansion with exposed clock-like machinery that runs on gears and cogs also deserves some serious praise for Sean Hargreaves. It’s giving off major lament configuration vibes! Watching Dennis and the Kriticos family navigate this frustrating, impossible-to-navigate labyrinth, swapping spectral glasses and dodging wandering ghosts, makes you wonder if the ghosts are just as confused by the layout.
Then Kalina Oretzia (Embeth Davidtz), a ghost emancipator and former enemy of Cyrus, pops up out of nowhere to throw flares and give us a quick overview of the film’s mythology, including an ancient book, Hell, and the “Black Zodiac.” Because what’s a ghost story without a little mythology?
The tortured souls of the Black Zodiac include the First Born Son, the Torso, the Bound Woman, the Withered Lover, the Torn Prince, the Angry Princess, the Pilgrimess, the Great Child, the Dire Mother, the Hammer, the Jackal, and the Juggernaut. Quite the guest list, wouldn’t you say?
But what about the thirteenth ghost? Well, that’s a secret I won’t spoil for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet. Go check it out!
The spirits’ origins are varied, from a rich girl strangled on prom night to an African American blacksmith who met a tragic Candyman-like demise, leaving him with a hammer in place of a hand. Damn. Most of them died violent deaths, turning them into vengeful spirits out to kill anyone they can. The Jackal is pure chaos, truly a beast. But anyone who watched Thirteen Ghosts during puberty probably paid extra attention to the Angry Princess, aka the completely naked ghost covered in self-inflicted slashes all over her body. Teenage feels, am I right?
Legendary industry pros Howard Berger, Greg Nicotero, and Robert Kurtzman all worked behind the scenes to craft the prosthetic special effects, so it’s no surprise that the work is absolutely amazing. Like Mike Flanagan’s many masterful projects, these ghosts were once people with their own backstories and personalities. Each character’s design itself tells a story, subtly showing the ways in which they died. Background details are glossed over in the actual movie, but the Ghost Files bonus segment goes into each one. Highly recommended!
These fully-realized ghosts deserve their own miniseries (and I nominate Mike Flanagan to write/direct). The Bound Woman actually reminds me a lot of the Bent-Neck Lady from The Haunting of Hill House, which makes sense since Kurtzman worked on both projects. Connection!
The scene-stealing Matthew Lillard has the most energy since Dennis is tasked with pleading with pessimistic nonbelievers to avoid putting everyone’s lives in danger. The other stand-out performances are Tony Shalhoub and F. Murray Abraham, although that might be because they’re given a lot more to work with than, say, Rah Digga. Her role as Maggie is reduced to the “hello no” nanny voice of reason, offering up a quippy “what the hell?” or “I don’t think so” at any given moment. The film definitely lacks characterization and diversity, sadly.
Thirteen Ghosts is no longer a guilty pleasure but a horror movie I unapologetically enjoy watching. Yes, it’s schlocky with a clunky narrative, terrible ADR, and nonsensical editing. But for the early aughts, it’s an inventive film with top talent creating mind-blowing effects and designs. And honestly, I can’t think of a movie with a more iconic set of special features.
Thirteen Ghosts is available to rent on Prime Video (via an AMC+ subscription).
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Cassondra Feltus is a St. Louis-based freelance writer best known for film, television, and pop culture analysis which has appeared on BlkCosmo Blerds, WatchMojo, and The Take. She loves naps, Paul Rudd, and binge-watching the latest series with her two gorgeous pups – Harry and DeVito.
